The Really Fake first day at the IPL

The contract was signed and I was to represent the Thanjavur tigers. It was literally a rip roaring team. All of them spoke very loudly and inconsolably at all times. Given that my connection with Thanjavur was very ancient, I quickly got into the stride and started talking loudly as well. All of my team mates were decidedly well built and very muscular. It was very easy to identify me in the first team picture. All you needed to do was to sight the lamp post amongst the trees. 

A day later we were given our official dress. Pink t-shirt with Thanjavur written in gold. Ofcourse the trousers were purple. The tailor, it turned out was colorblind. After seeing us, most of the photographers who gathered also turned colorblind. Not to be outdone, our team sponsorer also put a tinge of lipstick on our lips to make us look like Tamil Matinee Idols. We even had a team punch line of sorts a la Nike style. It was written in Tamil on the front and back, loosely translated to "Keep doing it". I still have not been able to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. Post the photo shoot, our mascot, a pink tiger, fainted due to sun stroke. I am not sure it was a great idea to conduct the photo shoot outside a temple at two in the afternoon. Even worse considering it was the peak of summer.

We reached Johannesburg and quickly after alighting, there were many security guards running towards us. I soon realised that my zealous team mates were falling on the ground and praying at something. They soon realized that it was a mistake. It was covered in black alright, it was certainly huge alright, but it certainly was not "amma". I might possibly be killed for reporting this but you sure know whom to interrogate in case this happened. Mr. Vel Well Muruku, our team manager managed to find out the only hotel in town that strictly adhered to vaasthu. It was run by a man queerly named "Sube se Maniyan". I thought he was a local, but when he started to welcome us, the volume decided his origin. He was one of us.

Our first game was against Mizoram missiles. Thapa, their captain gave us a strong thapad by sending us in first to bat. I was busy savouring the sights of the stadium that I forgot that I was the opening batsman. They timed me out and we lost a wicket even before a ball was bowled. I was interviewed by enthusiastic reporters and was very happy that I had started making headlines. I was determined to prove my worth. My princely contract of five rupees and twenty five paise per game was at stake. I think I earned back a lot on day one.  We made great progress and very soon all our batsman progressed to the middle of the ground and back into the dugout.

Not to be outdone, our opening howler, sorry bowler - Searing pace muthukrishnan seared in and flung the ball hard. He had to be reminded that he needs to bowl on the pitch. The injured spectator was carried to an emergency ward where to our great relief he recovered. The missiles thrashed our bowlers around. It was a savage attack. I could not bear to see it. I promptly pulled a muscle in my head (Yes, with legends it is possible) and went back to the dug out. There I flexed my arms and showed off my muscles. The children started crying and women ran away. 

During the strategy break, I gave my ideas to the captain. They needed motivation and I told them that there was a great idly joint and they served sambar to the table through hose pipes. The effect of my genius was seismic to say the least. Our chief spinner Tension Natarajan spun out the Mizoram Missiles and we won with lots to spare. We then had to unwind Tension as he himself had spun into a bundle after spinning so much. The Idly joint did great business and the hose pipe ran dry. We only paid half the bill and ran away after they called the cops. 

We are preparing for our next game, this is going to be a real nasty one. It is against our arch rivals, Guntur Gunners. We saw them at practice.... at a nearby shooting range. I only hope they miss their targets.

In the meanwhile, please do popularise this team as you have done to other blog about Fake IPL players. How he got my variginal idea is beyond me. My arms and legs are aching from standing at that dugout and flexing them to unflattered audience. Got some work ahead of me. Catch me sometime soon.