As I stared at the strange looking contraption in the mirror, I could only sigh deeply with resignation. I was now qualified to apply for the foster's adverstisement for beer titled "Australian Belly Dance". I can run the onlooker the peril of staring at the gateway of india if I opened my mouth; and God forbid If I decide to don swimming trunks, then hippos will look positively handsome. My maker must have had a specially bad hair day when he was at it. May be he was working overtime, it must not have been one of his greatest pieces of work. Well, it is hard to make amends thirty years on. It becomes even harder considering that my maker also bestowed me with laziness and a very weak will. Well done sire! :)
So let us see what we can do about this. Many months ago, the fear of apprearing like one of those early morning ad models worried me immensely. The similarity between the 60 year old man and me was unmistakable! I tried to find solace in the age difference, but my receding hairline more than adequately compensated for that. I also realised that the side view of the ad model closed resembled my side view in the dirty mirror in my house. There was my imposter lying on the ground with his feet apparently stuck in a contraption that shook him upto his waist. He would come gleaming after about 2 minutes claiming that he could now woo college going girls! I fast loosing this epic war and I needed to do something about it. So the brave heart that I am , I plunged headlong into the whirlpool of excercising and gyming.
These ad makers must be very creative. The old man had become even more younger. He had added to his reportiore, a sleek waist and also black hair. The more the products the company made, the younger he seem to become. I immediately checked on the internet to see if the company was into vampirisim and if they added human blood in their products to reduce age. My adversary had gained a formidable lead.
Day 1 was nice. It lasted 45 minutes. I was asked to first do pushups. I am hard of hearing (a very handy convinence); he must have said anything above 10; I heard about 10; I managed 2 and also an uncontrollable laughter from a very good looking girl working out nearby. Well, I quickly changed my attention to something more humane. The cycle seemed a more welcoming prospect. This one did not need to be balanced and I could ride it without injuring anyone. I sat on it and started pedalling with great fury. Apparently someone had set the settings to operate the cycle as if on an incline. 3 minutes into this drill, I found myself gasping and gulping down water and looking for a place to sit. My trainer asked if I would like to go home.
Damn those ads! The old man was now actually jogging in the park!
Days 2 to 5 are inconsequential, incase you have read till here to wonder why, dont try too hard, I never went to the gym. Suddenly I got a bank statement, which showed I had paid a certain gym a good sum of money. I visited them again that evening.
The trainer looked away with disgust and the girl went away with someone I could never beat at arm wrestling. It is a fair world. After doing some strange circus tricks that were being rehearsed by others, I found to my glee a treadmill. That day I was in the gym for close to an hour, 50 minutes. I sat for about 30 mins and cycled and walked for the rest of the time. After this intense excercise, I went and slept well. My dinner contained enough oil to turn me into something like Shiek Karthik.
The trainer decided that he would have nothing to do with me. So he avoided all contact with a product, he knew he could nothing about. Not many good samaritans are left who would like to lend a helping hand to ugly bettys. So I went from machine to machine trying to see which one made me look as if I had been working hard and also at the sametime did not make a fool of me.
Each passing day, I had pain in a new place in my iron constitution. Must have been the rust!
The girl was apparently so disgusted with my face and built, she changed her timings. I work for a company that asks - How many lives have you changed today?.......... No, It is ok, there is no point answering the obvious. The old man from the morning ad, had now gone to look for a girl for himself and he was discussing marriage dates. Damn!
While at this, I decided if I could do something about my face. Hmmmm................... I thought for sometime, and then somemore, and then somemore. Then had a heavy lunch. And again thought for somemore. Naaahh! Plastic surgery is way too expensive. Moreover, what will happen to all those lovely people who have always had a good laugh at my looks. So in the greater interest of mankind, I decided that I would give them every joy i could by appearing as good as possible. The possibility was just like my good looks, both of them never existed. In the meanwhile, the count of women who spoke to me declined and those that smiled at me needed to be searched using a radio telescope. Those that liked me..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!! (Dont strain yourself, I will do the laughing for you!)
Well, the next morning, I waited for the newspaper and then scanned them to see if the old man had published his marriage dates. Not yet, but he was already meeting the third girl.
Two weeks into my gyming, I created a record of sorts by discovering that I am actually good at two machines. Both were easy to try and my hands would also not get swollen. I soon became a laughing stock at home. I request the dear reader to part with some valuable sympathy. Come on! this is tough life! I cannot sing, My face can get me to kabul, my physique can get me back to hyderabad. People at work were very happy to see me every morning. Perhaps I was their stress buster.People at home could not do much so they laughed in silence.
I thank my friends for allowing me to come with them. Perhaps my uglyness enhances their photos :) anything to make them happy :)
In the meanwhile, my belly grew and is still growing inspired by the booming indian economy. So I told myself, even if this belly goes off, there is no escaping my face. So might as well, take what life has to offer. Life has been kind and perhaps I am getting what I am getting due to fact that my belly ensures that I only do work that can grow it.
So hail the belly :)
