The Really Fake first day at the IPL

The contract was signed and I was to represent the Thanjavur tigers. It was literally a rip roaring team. All of them spoke very loudly and inconsolably at all times. Given that my connection with Thanjavur was very ancient, I quickly got into the stride and started talking loudly as well. All of my team mates were decidedly well built and very muscular. It was very easy to identify me in the first team picture. All you needed to do was to sight the lamp post amongst the trees. 

A day later we were given our official dress. Pink t-shirt with Thanjavur written in gold. Ofcourse the trousers were purple. The tailor, it turned out was colorblind. After seeing us, most of the photographers who gathered also turned colorblind. Not to be outdone, our team sponsorer also put a tinge of lipstick on our lips to make us look like Tamil Matinee Idols. We even had a team punch line of sorts a la Nike style. It was written in Tamil on the front and back, loosely translated to "Keep doing it". I still have not been able to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. Post the photo shoot, our mascot, a pink tiger, fainted due to sun stroke. I am not sure it was a great idea to conduct the photo shoot outside a temple at two in the afternoon. Even worse considering it was the peak of summer.

We reached Johannesburg and quickly after alighting, there were many security guards running towards us. I soon realised that my zealous team mates were falling on the ground and praying at something. They soon realized that it was a mistake. It was covered in black alright, it was certainly huge alright, but it certainly was not "amma". I might possibly be killed for reporting this but you sure know whom to interrogate in case this happened. Mr. Vel Well Muruku, our team manager managed to find out the only hotel in town that strictly adhered to vaasthu. It was run by a man queerly named "Sube se Maniyan". I thought he was a local, but when he started to welcome us, the volume decided his origin. He was one of us.

Our first game was against Mizoram missiles. Thapa, their captain gave us a strong thapad by sending us in first to bat. I was busy savouring the sights of the stadium that I forgot that I was the opening batsman. They timed me out and we lost a wicket even before a ball was bowled. I was interviewed by enthusiastic reporters and was very happy that I had started making headlines. I was determined to prove my worth. My princely contract of five rupees and twenty five paise per game was at stake. I think I earned back a lot on day one.  We made great progress and very soon all our batsman progressed to the middle of the ground and back into the dugout.

Not to be outdone, our opening howler, sorry bowler - Searing pace muthukrishnan seared in and flung the ball hard. He had to be reminded that he needs to bowl on the pitch. The injured spectator was carried to an emergency ward where to our great relief he recovered. The missiles thrashed our bowlers around. It was a savage attack. I could not bear to see it. I promptly pulled a muscle in my head (Yes, with legends it is possible) and went back to the dug out. There I flexed my arms and showed off my muscles. The children started crying and women ran away. 

During the strategy break, I gave my ideas to the captain. They needed motivation and I told them that there was a great idly joint and they served sambar to the table through hose pipes. The effect of my genius was seismic to say the least. Our chief spinner Tension Natarajan spun out the Mizoram Missiles and we won with lots to spare. We then had to unwind Tension as he himself had spun into a bundle after spinning so much. The Idly joint did great business and the hose pipe ran dry. We only paid half the bill and ran away after they called the cops. 

We are preparing for our next game, this is going to be a real nasty one. It is against our arch rivals, Guntur Gunners. We saw them at practice.... at a nearby shooting range. I only hope they miss their targets.

In the meanwhile, please do popularise this team as you have done to other blog about Fake IPL players. How he got my variginal idea is beyond me. My arms and legs are aching from standing at that dugout and flexing them to unflattered audience. Got some work ahead of me. Catch me sometime soon.

Really Fake IPL Player

I got knocked up pretty early in the morning. From my standards, blasphemously early! 6 AM!!! It did not exactly help that I had been relishing vodka till about 4 AM. But my fragile constitution has grown tired and weary of the same drink going in since circa 2004 AD and hence did not resist too violently. I joined my friends on a cool Saturday morning for a game of cricket and decided that it was today that I am going to reinvent myself. By what measure and by how much, the day would later add those details.

Since I missed my car very much, I threatened by much larger friend with hours of boredom and my singing if he did not let me ride his car. With a sinking feeling of realization, I saw that the threat worked. It seemed my dreams to top Indian Idol was going down the drain. I held some solace that may be "Indian Idle" might still be up for grabs. May be I could send in pictures of my fielding skills to back my claim :)

The old car listened to me and often I felt like driving a truck as I struggled to change the gears. Onlookers looked in awe... not at my driving, but at the various distortions that I was making with my face. I did not win too many friends on the ride to the stadium. And by my guesses, I lost a few I had made in the car that morning. We reached the ground and fell out like logs out of a truck. It is not often a very pleasant ride when you have six people crammed in a place barely enough for four. Added to that, their chauffeur was not exactly Micheal Schumacher. 

I have been going to the gym and hence was very insistent that I have remodeled my shapeless body into a fine piece of aerodynamically designed piece of weapon. I swung my arms and pelted a few stones into vacant spaces to pronounce my newly found power. Some of the audience duly dispersed and others said I was very funny. I felt a searing pain in my shoulders. To my great joy, I got to bat a few minutes later. Mostly because the kid who was to bat at that number had gone searching for smokes. Ever the great opportunist, I jumped on the bandwagon and raced to the middle. 

I can imagine the sinking feeling my partner must have had when I walked in instead of his regular partner in crime. He came and did the customary bat tapping and told me to look out for his call. He also asked me to go for my shots and that he would stay put. I smiled to myself. Go for my shots??? Yeah.. nice good phrase.. I must try that sometime.. I did not get the strike for almost an over. My clever partner made sure that I was always at the non-strikers end. I made many cricket poses and chewed a gum and made a face when spitting it out. At last I got my turn to face the music.

To my great horror, a young chap tumbled on and decided he was going to do a warney! I could not have hit a bowling alley ball, leave alone a ripper on a spitefully turning track!!! As it spun past me, I made the legend acknowledging  a rookie "look". The bowler responded in kind. Fiercely determined, I swung my bat hard at the next one. The ball went about 60 degrees away from its intended direction. As far as I was concerned, I did not intend anything. I ran as though my life depended on it and got a run! My day was made. So if friends called me later that day, every run can easily be multiplied by about 2 or 3 and be told with great tales of the effort that went into making it. For those who know me..... "Big Fish" :)

My increasingly irritated partner gestured that I need to get a move on. He was afraid that I might bat out for more than an over or two. Inspiring partnership. When he got the chance, he played to the galleries. I did not because..... guess there were no galleries in the ground :) Well finally after about three overs since I started to bat, I realized that I had far exceeded my expiry date on a cricket ground. Something had to give... I was run out backing up too far from the bowlers end. It turns out I was the only one the whole day who was run out like that. 

Honest to god! I did get into double figures... Ofcourse you need to keep in mind inconsistencies that might creep in, especially since I was the one counting my own scores. Okay! Lets settle it! I made about 5! And comeon! every run counts! 

Thanks to the heroics of a great player, we made a good score. They chased it very well. It was very nice to see, especially when you quietly sneak into a part of the ground where there was ample shade and the ball was rarely hit in that direction. I think the captain was happy thinking that I had gone home. To his utter dismay he found me lurking in the shadiest part of the ground. Perhaps realizing that I would do the least damage from there, he let me be. :) Then it started to happen.

A high catch resulted in my colliding with another fellow and left my fingers very sore. I brought upon myself the great burden of bending my lithe frame to pick the ball up, it hit a stone and then hit my face. Greatly embarrassed, I tried to throw it back. I found that it bisected the wicket into half. I could see that my chances of playing in the IPL was fast diminishing. Never one to loose hope, I thought I was still due a great bit of fielding. It did come, as I fielded one ball properly. It was the one they made the winning run from. Then I put on my "Legend congratulates rookies" look as I went about shaking hands with my opponents. Some were smiling when they shook my hands. I had a strange feeling that they were mocking at me. How was it possible??? Twenty five overs in the sun (and shade) and then three overs of mind boggling histrionics with the bat. Some Jonty-be-proud fielding.... What am I missing???

I waited that day till about six in the evening. There was no call from Priety Zinta or Shilpa Shetty. They are my favorite IPL players. After that I had important appointments to keep with Ms. Smirnoff and Mr. Sprite and ofcourse where there is wills there is gold flake. I did get a missed call, but being the legend that I am, I do not talk to people who miss their appointments.

Watch out for more.. from the one true legend.. The Really Fake IPL Player :)